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[14 Jul 2009|01:14am] |
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I miss sneezing kekeke
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| being sick |
[01 Jul 2009|01:35pm] |
when you're sick you don't care about anything, money, sex, love, it doens't matter, nothing matters except your health. I watch people getting excited and scrambling for this 100 million lotto draw and the thought of having 100 million just doens't appeal to me. The last 3 days have been a complete waste.. what did I do and where did the time go... ?
I dreamt the most beautiful sunset of deep blues and purples over the horizon of an unknown land, time is told by the blossoming of golden petaled roses over and over and when the sun dies the darkness is a brief moment before it repeats again.
It is the first dream I have had in days. Sneezing is like an orgasm.
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[31 May 2009|10:53am] |
for the past few weeks everyday has been a struggle, i find fewer moments of happiness and therefore i seldom write as i hope it passes and i can for once write something that will make me smile, only there has been too few things to smile about.
i feel myself drawing away from people because i just don't have the energy to exert a cheerfulness that is required with them, people say if you have to pretend then these people are not really your friends but that is just human nature, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.. it's very true.
I saw Star Trek last night, it got 95% on rotten tomatoes but I'd have to say I really didn't enjoy it.. guess my heart isn't into space. I give it a 70%. 95% league is like Ironman and it is no way near that great. I debated with a friend who loved Star Trek, he thought it was better than Wolverine (no...way). I just felt that even this new improved version was just... too geeky.
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| Before the Darkness Swallows Me |
[24 Apr 2009|01:47pm] |
I'll tell you why I don't want to know where you are
I got a joke I've been dying to tell you
The silent kid is looking down the barrel
To make the noise that I kept so quiet
I kept it from you, pitseleh
I'm not what's missing from your life now
I could never be the puzzle pieces
They say that god makes problems just to see what you can stand
Before you do as the devil pleases
And give up the thing you love
But no one deserves it
The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last
I'm not half what I wish I was
I'm so angry, I don't think it'll ever pass
And I was bad news for you, just because
I never meant to hurt you
- Pitselah - Elliott Smith-
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| 17 Again |
[13 Apr 2009|05:04pm] |
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aaahhhhh I love this movie! I'm officially a Zac Efron fangirl heehee. Maybe I'll even start watching those High School Musical movies now..
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[30 Mar 2009|01:51pm] |
I cleaned my room yesterday, now I keep staring at it everytime I walk in and keep mumbling 'so clean... so clean'.
But the best thing is that I now am able to use my desk for my laptop instead of lazing about in bed. I find this makes me much more productive now, it's amazing how sitting upright affects your body and mental state.
Found my belt and other earring.
Life is grand. ^_^
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| welcome to my life |
[29 Mar 2009|09:14am] |
3 hours of sleep is better than no hour of sleep... it seems kim walks out her room in dazes, hair messed up and mumbling incoherently - a reoccurant theme. My room is a mess, ugh, I can't find one of my earrings and my belt is missing, life can't go on without my essentials. I should stop having a life and clean my room today lol.
I suck at guitar hero. guilty feet have got no rhythm :/
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| Chinese New Year |
[02 Feb 2009|09:15pm] |
I really like Chinese new year so I painted this the other day.
You can't wrap an Ox around you.
I can't write Chinese btw, but red pockets from Westpac can... lol it says Happy chinese new year.
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| so what is it all worth in the end |
[01 Feb 2009|06:58pm] |
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It's amazing how things can just turn 180 just like that. You put your heart into everything you do only to realise that it's just not worth it.
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| Dream from night 17th January |
[18 Jan 2009|09:18am] |
I've just escaped into an abandoned house with this guy. We are going to stay here tonight as shelter but suddenly it is morning and it turns out that it is not an abandoned house but a clubhouse for the Japanese anime club, they are young teens who are standing outside and pissed off that we have entered their club.
Somehow I calm them down and one boy about 12 goes out into the garden. He looks under the concrete slabs and says there are dead skeletons there.. I look too and he is right. I start to walk back but he says they are moving now and crawling out. I say no way, he is lying. He starts freaking out and I see a half flesh covered skeleton crawl out and slowly move towards him.
I panic and find a long bamboo stick with a pointy end, I try to bash the skeleton with it but I am too weak and it does nothing, so I ram it into his head with the pointy end. Actually they are very light so his head and body get stuck on my stick and I bash it into the nearest tree trunk, breaking it's skull (mush oozes out). But there are a lot of them crawling out now and I tell the boy to run inside but he just stands there and I try killing all the zombies by breaking their heads with the pole. At this point I'm very annoyed he's still just not moving so I have to drag him in and lock the doors and windows with the zombies close behind.
Out the front it is a riot, the older guy calls his girlfriend who has heard the news and somehow has seized control of a giant red double decker bus which she now drives out the front for us to run and escape to. I also hear that the Fantastic Four are on their way. lol.
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| dream from night 31st December / morning 2009 |
[01 Jan 2009|02:23pm] |
Went to bed at 5am. This may be one continuous dream:
1) A babysitter came to look after a little girl, she is a young Asian and they are in a completely white house. It's nighttime and the babysitter is sleeping in a dark room underneath a giant window. You see a shadow of a monster that looks like a yeti pass the window, she sees it and just as he jumps through to the room breaking the window she hides under the bed - cut to scene where I am playing cards in a FF8 like setup, each card has a spirit like death, destruction etc that defeats another monster card, after a while I realise I don't know what the object of this game is and I'm losing - cut back to the babysitter who grabs the girl (and it's morning) as they race outside the house pursued by the Yeti. Somehow the Yeti is really slow and they're able to get into the car and start the engine. As they drive the Yeti is now super fast and overtakes them, somehow he's trying to lead them somewhere and wants them to follow - of course they don't want to follow! There is a fork in the road so whilst he heads one way they head the other way, he notices and runs towards them and lifts the car up and carries it in the other direction.. towards.. Vanuatu!
2) Switch to myself and my cousin in the car, she's taking me to this awesome place I've never been before. I can already see how awesome it is as on the highway there are giant bubbles floating pass us and up ahead giant bubbles with balls of bright yellow electricity in them all around, we run into so many and they burst in stunning flames. We're in the back seat admiring them when I'm like "hey wait a minute, if you're sitting next to me, who's driving?" She says "good point.. ahhhhh!" We run through red lights and ongoing trains, she grabs the wheel from the back and we try to dodge the onslaught of cars until we hit a tram and go flying 20 metres in the air of which I turn to her and say "why didn't you just climb into the front seat and hit the brakes?" of which she says "good point ahhhh!" We're still flying.
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| The curious case of Benjamin Button |
[28 Dec 2008|10:08am] |
I thought this movie was depressing but as I wake up from last night and think about it... its too depressing I dont' want to think about it.
A positive person would say that it encourages you to cherish every moment of life and to enjoy the company of those who are most important to you.
The cynic in me sees that every moment is fleeting, no matter how wonderful that moment, it is still just that one moment and nothing lasts forever.
Not to say the movie didn't have a lot of humourous moments.
Best line:
Daisy: Sleep with me
Benjamin: Absolutely.
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| Dreams from night 27th December |
[28 Dec 2008|09:49am] |
Quick dreams I remember this morning:
1) I'm a mother in the kitchen with her daughter, something about her going out she says she's gonna have sex.
Me: Are you practicing safe sex? I'll give you some condoms.
her: Nah, I don't.
Me: What?? What are you doing?
Her: Don't worry, I drink boiled water and then I hold my breath, it kills the sperm.
WTF!!!
2) I'm taking my mum out to this restaurant.. it's an awesome restaurant out on the lake. The problem is that it's customary to show just how much you really want to go to this restaurant that each person must do the following : pass a wooden bridge where only certain planks are stable, the rest will fall if you set foot on them and you will land in the water. After you pass this, there are then long narrow balance beams you must cross leading up to the restaurant. The ice cream is very good.
3) I make an effort to see my friend I have not seen. He is sitting on a giant bed in his parents house which is in the lounge. The place is huge, I feel ashamed of my little shack of a home. He sits there and says hello. I stand in front of him and say hello. He says hello back. I fold my arms and say hello. He's thinking why is she saying hello again and says hello. I'm at this point irritated because he's a lazy bastard, and I expected some effort or courtesy of standing up to greet me. He doesn't get it and lays back on the bed "hello". We are at a stand still.
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| The power of lol.... LOL. |
[23 Dec 2008|09:01pm] |
I haven't posted for a while because my last entry was very depressing. It makes me depressed just reading it hah, but I guess I'll keep it because they were my real honest feelings at the time, and I guess that's the point of having one of these.
So I've been pretty happy for the last few weeks, but mainly because no one likes you when you're sad lol.. laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone right?
And I saw a giant ad at the train station for insurance that read "the Power of 'Un'"... unstress, unworry..etc. I thought it was a pretty stupid ad but I've decided for me it's the Power of 'lol'. I wasn't a big lol user because I think it's pretty extreme.. (I usually 'hehehe') because does anything warrant me literally laughing out loud except when I'm high on liquor and everything then is just too goddamn funny??
But I decided to utilise 'lol', add it to any sentence and it just immediately makes me feel happy. Case in point :
"I can't believe you did that." compared to "I can't believe you did that. lol."
So I'm pissed off on the one hand.. and then on the other hand I'm like.. high on weed! And sometimes I even go 'LOL', cuz I have to force the happiness more LOL.. and maybe one day I'll even 'ROFL'.
lol lol lol lol LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL..... damn where are my pills, GODDAMMIT ROFL.
XD
Ps. Merry Christmas to everyone - I just ate 8 Krispy Kremes.. oops!
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| White Wall |
[26 Nov 2008|11:09pm] |
I really hate sounding negative and whiny, or even showing my vulnerabilities but I feel that if I don't get this out I may at some point, just bash my head into the wall repeatedly. And this would hurt.. so I don't want to do that. So.. here goes.
I'm scared of my emotions as of late. Or just in general. I've been pretty alright for the first half of this year, happy and self confident and just all around nice nice and carefree. But the previous nights were extremely low points in my life and I've realised it's been a constant theme, I think since taking medication. My friend told me his friend got really emotional and crazy since taking the Pill, which is a bit worrying because I'm on both the Pill AND roaccutane, a medication known to cause depression. I think back to a few years ago and particularly before taking the Pill I have never been so erratic and emotional, in fact I've experienced more teen angst now than I ever did back when I was a teen. A part of me wonders if this is really me or the medications talking. In fact I even said PMS, what the hell is that, crazy women I never want to be one of them. And now I am and I hate myself for it.
In terms of depression, it really scares me the kind of lows I go through. It's a mixture of feelings of lonliness, self loathing, insecurity and hopelessness.. complete and utter emptiness, like a part of myself is missing. I loathe myself because I hate feeling weak and helpless and yet there it is. I say and do things to people that I later think what the hell. A normal logical me would not let things get to me the way they do. And then all of a sudden everything is okay, everything's great, I smile and life is wonderful, but it doesn't last. And when I'm so low.. I can't help being self destructive. My emotions get too deep for me to control. I don't think any guy will ever understand this, having never to experience these hormonal imbalances. I wish I was a guy. I would be awesome.
I don't want to stop the medications because my face is already pretty bad... bad enough to depress me anyway. A lot of times I'm afraid to look in the mirror.. I walk pass shops and I am too scared to look at myself. Sometimes I catch my reflection and it makes me flinch. I know if my face was normal, I would be a completely different person and I envy those that are. I hate wearing makeup, but I feel hideous without it. And even with makeup it doesn't feel enough. I don't want to go on prozac..heh.
Anyways.. I feel pretty alone in Sydney. I don't feel like I have any real friends. Just superficial people I call friends. Sometimes that's enough, most times it isn't... I'm pretty sure no one really gives a damn about me here, they just pretend to.
It's hard to distinguish what's real and what's not these days. Who am I really? Are these feelings real? Or is it just the meds.
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| Choices |
[25 Nov 2008|10:16am] |
I haven't written in a while but I need to wake up mentally, it's 10:16am and I'm still in my PJs, at some point I should really go to work.
So I'm trying to figure what the hell I should do next year.
1) Ask for 12 months leave without pay - travel for 3 months around the world with my friend (Spain, Costa Rica, New York... vegas baby.. sample some overseas men lol) then go home to Perth for a while then go to Melbourne and find a better job. Problem is with the market the way it is and so many job cuts, probably not a good time to be jobless for the next year or take the risk. Not the smartest move, but probably the most fun.
2) Stick with my job, take 1 month off and join my friend just for that month, still get paid for it, come back, try like hell to look for a government job in Melbourne whilst in Sydney, move to Melbourne and pay a hell of a lot less rent. Travel in due time after 1st year of solid work but there's Melbourne to discover in the meantime.
3) Look for a job back in Perth and go home to mum's cooking, no rent, probably be temporarily bored there but cashed up enough to live a little more extravagantly. Meet a nice boy, get married, buy a big ass LCD. Minus the getting married.
4) go back to sleep. Scrap that, client meeting at 1pm.
5) Get ready for work.. now.
I honestly don't know what to do, two weeks ago I was dead set on option 1 but now I really just don't know.
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| Are you a Facebook whore? |
[10 Nov 2008|07:41pm] |
Tony Lim : thats you on the left ay?
Kim : Why wouldn't it be me?
Tony Lim : i dont know i never said it wasnt you =P
nice pick though. get up to much today?
Kim : I am not your friend. I don't know you, you pervert.
I don't add people I don't know (even if they're hot) but I can't believe how many stupid hot women say yes to being in some random incognito guy's collection of "friends" consisting only of young women, like whatever. Especially one that has no balls to post his ugly mugshot or info on there, good sign as a prowler. But I guess I view Facebook as a lot more personal than other sites like myspace or something and I feel like if I have someone as a friend, it means my other friends can reasonaly know they're not some weirdo stalker.. like it's a responsibility that because you're Kim's friend you must be an alright dude/dudette.
Am I right or am I crazy?
Of course, I'm a pervert but it's okay cuz I'm a girl. :P
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[09 Nov 2008|09:19pm] |
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Sure dogs are cute. But they stink.
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| Music on the balcony |
[28 Oct 2008|06:49pm] |
"Say that you love me
Say that you need me
Say that you want me all the way
Say that you love me all the way
Why my baby was I made to need so much
When there's so little out there
To grasp on to and wipe the tears away
Oh babe believe me
It's an endless longing for one's love
Why do I dream for so much
When I know
It all just can't be had"
The sound of music comes into my window and it's completely beautiful. I go out on the balcony and find there's a guy singing right underneath me on his balcony. I wonder if this is the closest I'll ever get to anyone serenading me ala the movies. Anyways I'm not going to say hi because then I'll seem like some crazy stalker when all I am is just crazy. heh. He should sing more often.
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| Wishing on a star |
[12 Oct 2008|07:08pm] |
"I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a dream
To follow what it means
And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people who really dream
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying it'll come
And I'm wishing on all the lovin' we've ever done
I never thought I'd see
A time when you would be
So far away from home
So far away from me..." - Rose Royce
Sometimes I'm homesick because I don't have anyone to hold me. Here. Especially you.
Sometimes I'm still a scared little girl. But life has taught me I can't rely on anyone.
So I won't. And life goes on anyway.
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